The Disney Princess Bride
by Lady Isla
Summary: A parody of Rob Reiner's classic film! Disclaimer: I don't own Disney and the film.
1. Chapter 1

**The Disney Princess Bride**

**FADE IN ON:**

A VIDEO GAME ON A COMPUTER SCREEN. The game is in progress. As a sick coughing sound is heard.

**CUT TO:**

Pinocchio is lying in bed, coughing. One, pale sick cookie. Maybe he's seven or eight or nine. He holds a remote in one hand, presses it, and the video game moves a little bit. Then he's hit by another spasm of coughing, puts the remote down. His room is monochromatic, grays and blues, mildly high-tech. We're in the present day and this is a middle class house, somewhere in the suburbs. Pinocchio's mom, played by Belle, enters, goes to him, fluffs his pillows, kisses him, and briefly feels his forehead. She's worried, it doesn't show.

Belle: You feeling any better?

Pinocchio: A little bit.

Belle: Guess what.

Pinocchio: What?

Belle: Your grandfather's here.

Pinocchio: (not overjoyed) Mom… wow, it's strange calling Belle "Mom". That makes the Beast my—

Isla the Director: We've been through this, Pinocchio. This is just a movie.

Pinocchio: (continues) … Can't you tell him that I'm sick?

Bell: You are sick, that's why he's here.

Pinocchio: He'll pat my head. I hate that.

Belle: Maybe he won't.

Pinocchio: He will. I know.

Geppetto bursting into the room. Kind of strange making Pinocchio's dad his grandpa. And he looked kind of rumpled. But the eyes are bright. He has a wrapped package tucked under one arm as be immediately goes to Pinocchio and pats his head.

Geppetto: Hey! How's the sickie? Heh?

Pinocchio: (to Belle) I told you.

Belle: I think I'll leave you two pals.

(And she is gone. There's an uncomfortable silence, then-)

Geppetto: I brought you a special present.

Pinocchio: What is it?

Geppetto: Open it up.

Pinocchio does. He does his best to smile.

Pinocchio: A book?

Geppetto: That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today, I'm gonna read it to you.

Pinocchio: Has it got any sports in it?

Geppetto: Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles. (He sits in a chair by the bed.)

Pinocchio: Wait, true love isn't a… (Receives a glare from Isla) It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.

Geppetto: Oh. Well, thank you very much. It's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right. (Book open now, be begins to read.) The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern. Chapter One. Aurora was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin.

**DISSOLVE TO:**

The story he's reading about, as the monochromatic look of the bedroom is replaced by the dazzling color of the English countryside.

Geppetto: (off-screen) … Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Phillip, but she never called him that. (To Pinocchio, or "Pinny") Isn't that a wonderful beginning?

Pinocchio: (off-screen) Yeah. It's really good… I guess.

Geppetto: (off-screen) (reading) Nothing gave Aurora as much pleasure as ordering Phillip around.

**CUT TO:**

**Aurora's Farm - Day**

Aurora is standing, holding the reins of her horse, while in the background, Phillip, in the stable doorway, looks at her. Buttercup is in her late teens.

Aurora: Farm boy... Couldn't I just call him "Phillip" just like I always do?

Isla: No.

Aurora: … Polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.

Phillip: (quietly, watching her) As you wish.

Geppetto: (off-screen) "As you wish" was all he ever said to her.

**DISSOLVE TO:**

Phillip, outside, chopping wood. Aurora drops two large buckets near him.

Aurora: Farm Boy. Fill these with water ---- please.

Phillip: As you wish.

She leaves; his eyes stay on her. She stops, turns -- he manages to look away as now her eyes stay on him.

Geppetto: (off-screen) That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, "As you wish," what he meant was, "I love you."

Phillip: Correct.

**DISSOLVE TO:**

**Aurora in the kitchen - dusk**

Phillip enters with an armload of firewood.

Geppetto: (off-screen) And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.

Aurora: (pointing to a pitcher that she could reach herself) Farm Boy, fetch me that pitcher.

He gets it, hands it to her; they are standing very close to each other gazing into each other's eyes.

Phillip: As you wish. (Now he turns, moves outside.)

**DISSOLVE TO:**

Aurora and Phillip, outside his tiny hovel in the red glow of sunset. They are locked in a passionate kiss.

Pinocchio: (off-screen) Hold it, hold it-

**CUT TO:**

**Pinny's Room**

Pinocchio: What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing book?

Geppetto: Wait, just wait --

Pinocchio: Well, when does it get good?

Geppetto: Keep your shirt on. Let me read. (Reading again) Phillip had no money (Phillip: "But I'm a prince!") for marriage. So he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea.

**CUT TO:**

**Phillip and Aurora **They stand near the gate to the farm, locked in an embrace.

Geppetto: (off-screen) It was a very emotional time for Aurora --

Pinocchio: (off-screen) (groaning) I don't be-lieve this.

Aurora: I fear I'll never see you again.

Phillip: Of course you will.

Aurora: But what if something happens to you?

Phillip: Hear this now: I will come for you.

Aurora: But how can you be sure?

Phillip: This is true love. You think this happens every day?

He smiles at her, she smiles too, throws her arms so tightly around him. They kiss. Then as Phillip walks away, Aurora watches him go.

Geppetto: (off-screen) Phillip didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Jack Sparrow, who never left captives alive. When Aurora got the news that Phillip was murdered --

Pinocchio: (off-screen) -- murdered by pirates is good --

**CUT TO:**

CLOSE UP: Aurora, staring out the window of her room.

Geppetto: (off-screen) She went into her room and shut the door. And for days, she neither slept nor ate.

Aurora: (no emotion at all in her voice) I will never love again… Wow, that was harsh.

**DISSOLVE TO:**

**Florin Castle - Day**

The main courtyard of Florin replete with townspeople, livestock, and a bustling marketplace.

Geppetto: (off-screen) (reading) Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Emperor Kuzco's (gags were heard off-screen) bride-to be.

**CUT TO:**

Emperor Kuzco, a man of incredible power and bearing (Kuzco: "Uh-huh"), standing in his royal robes on a castle balcony. Three others standing behind him: an old couple with crowns, Jafar and Maleficent (J smirked deviously and M kicks his shin), and a dark bearded man who seems Kuzco's match in strength: this is Captain Hook.

Kuzco: (raises his hands, starts to speak) My people ... a month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves -- (pause) -- but perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?

And the answering YESSSS booms like summer thunder.

Kuzco: My people ... the Princess Aurora!

A giant staircase leading to the CROWD and as a FIGURE just begins to become visible, THE CROWD, as they see the figure. (We haven't yet.) And if there is such a thing as collective action, then this crowd, collectively, holds its breath. THE STAIRCASE, as the figure appears in the archway. It is Aurora. She descends the stairs and starts to move amongst the people. THE CROWD, and they do a very strange thing: with no instruction at all, they suddenly go to their knees. Great waves of people kneeling and -- Aurora, terribly moved. She stands immobile among her subjects, blinking back tears. HOLD on her beauty for a moment.

Geppetto: (off-screen) Aurora's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Kuzco the right to choose his bride, she did not love him.

Aurora: Of course, I don't!

**CUT TO:**

**WOODLANDS**

Aurora, barreling along, controlling her horse easily.

Geppetto: (off-screen) Despite Kuzco's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride.

**CUT TO:**

**A WOODED GLEN, CLOSE TO SUNDOWN.**

Lovely, quiet, deserted. Aurora suddenly reins in.

VOICE

A word, my lady?

**CUT TO:**

THREE MEN, standing close together in the path. Beyond them can be seen the waters of Florin Channel. The three men are not your everyday commuter types. Standing in front is a muscled man with a handsome face. He is French and his name is Gaston. Beside him is an Arabian, erect and taut as a blade of steel. His name is Aladdin. Beside him is another muscled man. His name is Hercules.

Gaston: We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?

Aurora: There is nothing nearby; not for miles.

Gaston: Then there will be no one to hear you scream…

He nods to Hercules, who merely reaches over, touches a nerve on Aurora's neck, and the start of a scream is all she manages -- unconsciousness comes that fast. As she starts to fall --

**CUT TO:**

**A TINY ISOLATED SPOT AT THE EDGE OF FLORIN CHANNEL**

A sailboat is moored. It is dusk now, shadows are long. Aladdin busies himself getting the boat ready.

**CUT TO:**

Hercules carries Aurora, unconscious, on board. Gaston rips some tiny pieces of fabric from an army jacket and tucks them along the saddle of Aurora's horse.

Aladdin: What is that you're ripping?

Gaston: (not stopping or turning) It's fabric from the uniform of an Army officer of Guilder.

Hercules: Who's Guilder?

Gaston: (pointing straight out) The country across the sea. The sworn enemy of Florin.

(slaps the horse's rump) Go!

The horse takes off. They start for the boat.

Gaston: Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the Emperor suspect the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.

Hercules: You never said anything about killing anyone.

Gaston hops onto the boat.

Gaston: I've hired you to help me start a war. That's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition. Boy, I love my character.

Hercules: I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.

Gaston: Am I going mad or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass. (Herc glares at him) It was in the script!

Aladdin: I agree with Hercules.

Gaston: Oh. The sot has spoken. What happens to her is not truly your concern -- I will kill her -- (louder) And remember this -- never forget this -- (to Aladdin) -- when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk you couldn't buy brandy!

Aladdin: I was NEVER drunk!

(Gaston, now to Hercules, who retreats as much as he can while Gaston advances.)

Gaston: -- and you -- friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless -- Do you want me to send you back to where you were, unemployed in Greece?

Gaston glares at him, and then turns to leave them. During this, Aladdin has gone close to Hercules, who is very distressed at the insults he's just received.

Aladdin: (softly) That Gaston, he can fuss.

Hercules: ... fuss ... fuss ... I think he likes to scream at us.

Aladdin: Probably he means no harm.

Hercules: He's really very short on charm.

Aladdin: (proudly) Oh, you've a great gift for rhyme.

Hercules: Yes, some of the time.

Gaston: Enough of that.

As they sail off, we hear their voices as the boat recedes.

Aladdin: Hercules, are there rocks ahead?

Hercules: If there are, we'll all be dead.

Gaston: No more rhymes now, I mean it.

Hercules: Anybody want a peanut?

Gaston: Aaaargh!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter II**

**DISSOLVE TO:**

**THE SAILBOAT RACING ACROSS THE DARK WATERS**

Aladdin is at the helm, Hercules stands near the body of the princess, whose eyelids flutter slightly -- or do they? Gaston sits motionless. The waves are higher; there are only occasional flashes of moon slanting down between clouds.

Gaston: (to Aladdin) We'll reach the Cliffs by dawn.

Aladdin nods, glances back.

Gaston: Why are you doing that?

Aladdin: Making sure nobody's following us.

Gaston: That would be inconceivable.

Aurora: Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when you are, the Emperor will see you all hanged.

Gaston turns a cold eye on the Princess.

Gaston: Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own.

Aurora: Hmph!

Aladdin keeps staring behind them.

Gaston: Stop doing that. We can all relax, it's almost over-

Aladdin: You're sure nobody's following us?

Gaston: As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable. Boy, I love saying that word No one in Guilder knows what we've done. And no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast! … Out of curiosity, why do you ask?

Aladdin: No reason. It's only, I just happened to look behind us, and something is there.

Gaston: What!

And suddenly the three whirl, stare back and as they do --

**CUT TO:**

Aladdin was right -- something is very much there. The sea was calm, and sky is dark. The only light that is reflecting on the calm waves came from the moon. The three men saw nothing, until… a sailboat appears. Black. With a great billowing sail. Black. It's a good distance behind them, but it's coming like hell (Disney characters: "Gasp! Bad word!"), closing the gap.

**CUT TO:**

Gaston, Aladdin, and Hercules staring at the other boat.

Gaston: (explaining with as much logic as he can muster) Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise… at night… through eel-infested waters.

And now as a sound comes from their boat they turn as we saw Aurora, diving into the water, starting to swim away.

Aurora: Go in, get after her!

Aladdin: But… I don't swim.

Gaston: Herc?

Hercules: (making flapping gestures with his hands) I only dog paddle.

Gaston: (groans) Veer left! Left! LEFT!

**CUT TO:**

Aurorastill close to the boat, switching from a crawl to a silent breast stroke. The wind dies and as it does, something new is heard. A not-too-distant, high-pitched (and pathetic) shrieking (which reminds you of a dying turkey) sound. Aurora stops suddenly, treads water.

Gaston: Do you know what that sound is, Highness? That is the Shrieking Kaa (Kaa: "Hee hee.") -- if you doubt me, just wait. He always grow louder when he's about to feed on human flesh.

Aurora, treading water, still not far from the boat. The shrieking sound is getting louder and more terrifying. She stays silent.

Gaston: If you swim back now, I promise, no harm will come to you. I doubt you will get such an offer from Kaa… (Insane laughing) Hahahahahahaha!

The shrieking sound is louder still, but she doesn't make a sound. Behind her now, something dark and gigantic slithers past.

She's scared, sure, petrified, who wouldn't be, but she makes no reply --

-- and now Kaa has zeroed in on her --

-- and now she sees him, a short distance away, circling, starting to close --

-- and Aurora is frozen, trying not to make a movement of any kind --

-- and Kaa slithers closer, closer --

Kaa: (chuckles menacingly) Mmmm… food!

Aurora: Help me.

-- and Aurora knows it now, there's nothing she can do, it's over, all over --

-- and now Kaa opens his mouth wide, and he has never made such a noise, and as his great jaws are about to clamp down –

Geppetto: (off-screen) She doesn't get eaten by Kaa at this time.

**CUT TO:**

**THE PINNY'S ROOM**

Pinocchio looks the same, pale and weak, but maybe he's gripping the sheets a little too tightly with his hands.

Pinocchio: What?

Geppetto: Kaa doesn't get her. I'm explaining to you because you looked nervous.

Pinocchio: I wasn't nervous! Really!

Geppetto: …You sure?

Pinocchio: Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned. But that's not the same thing.

Geppetto: Because I can stop now if you want.

Pinocchio: No. You could read a little bit more ... if you want. (He grips the sheets again, as Geppetto picks up the book)

Geppetto: (reading) "Do you know what that sound is, Highness?"

**CUT TO:**

Gaston: That is the Shrieking Kaa.

Pinocchio: (off-screen) We've past that, father – I mean, Grandpa.

**CUT TO:**

**THE SICK KID'S ROOM**

Pinocchio: You read it already.

Geppetto: Oh. Oh my goodness, I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon.

**CUT TO:**

Aurora treading water.

Geppetto: (off-screen) All right, all right, let's see. Uh, she was in the water, Kaa was coming after her. She was frightened. Kaa started to charge her. And then -

And we're back where we were at the last moment we saw her, Aurora frozen, Kaa, jaws wide, about to clamp down as we

**CUT TO:**

Hercules' hand pounding Kaa (Kaa: "That hurts!") unconscious in one move, and then easily lifting Aurora.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL

The boat and Hercules, Aurora being deposited on the deck.

Gaston: Put her down. Just put her down!

Aladdin: (pointing behind them) I think he's getting closer.

Gaston: (tying Aurora's hands) He's no concern of ours. Sail on! (To her) I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?

Aurora: (staring deeply at him) Only compared to some.

**DISSOLVE TO:**

The boat at dawn, being followed closely by the black sailboat, which we can see for the first time, is being sailed by a Man in Black (or MIB), and his boat almost seems to be flying.

Aladdin: Look! He's right on top of us! I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using.

Gaston: Whoever he is, he's too late -- (pointing ahead of them) -- see? The Cliffs of Insanity!

Isla the Director: Hehe, nice name.

**CUT TO:**

**THE CLIFFS OF INSANITY AT DAWN**

They rise straight up, sheer from the water, impossibly high.

**CUT TO:**

**The TWO SAILBOATS**

in a wild race for the Cliffs and the MIB is closing faster than ever, but not fast enough, the lead was too great to overcome, and as Aladdin sails with great precision straight at the Cliffs.

Gaston: Hurry up. Move the thing! Um ... that other thing. Move it! (Staring back now)

We're safe -- only Hercules is strong enough to go up our way -- he'll have to sail around for hours 'til he finds a harbor.

There is much activity going on, all of it swift, expert, economical. Hercules reaches up along the Cliff face, grabs a jutting rock, and reaches behind it. Suddenly there is a thick rope in his hands. He drops back to the boat, gives the rope a freeing swing and the rope goes all the way to the top.

Aladdinhurries to Hercules. He straps a harness to him, and then lifts Aurora and Gaston in the harness. Finally, he himself gets in the harness. All three are strapped to Hercules like papooses.

And Herc starts to ascend the rope, carrying them all along with him as he goes.

**CUT TO:**

MIB, sailing in toward the Cliffs of Insanity, watching as Hercules rises swiftly through the first moments of dawn.

**CUT TO:**

**THE TOP OF THE CLIFFS, LOOKING DOWN**

Herc's group is only faintly visible far below. This is the first time we've gotten the real vertigo feeling and it's a gasper. Hercules climbing on. Aurora is almost out of her mind with fear.

**CUT TO:**

**THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF THE CLIFFS.**

Hercules is moving right along; however high they are, he's already over a third of the way done.

**CUT TO:**

The MIB leaping from his ship to the rope, starting to climb. He's impossibly far behind, but the way he goes you'd think he didn't know that because he is flying up the rope, hand over hand like lightning.

**CUT TO:**

Aladdin: (looking down) He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us.

Gaston: (with horror) It can't be. Inconceivable! (He prods Hercules, who nods, increases his pace)

**CUT TO:**

**LONG SHOT - THE CLIFFS**

-- and the Man In Black is cutting deeply into Herc's lead.

Gaston: (shrieking) Faster! FASTER!

Hercules: I thought I was going faster.

Gaston: I thought you were Hercules. You were supposed to be this colossus. You were this great, legendary thing. And yet he gains!

Hercules: Well, I'm carrying three people...

Gaston: (cutting through) -- I do not accept excuses. I'm just going to have to find myself a new strongman, that's all.

Hercules: (hurt) Don't say that, Gaston. Please… (Mutters) I now where you sleep.

**CUT TO:**

**THE VIEW FROM THE TOP OF THE CLIFFS**

Maybe a hundred feet for Hercules to go. Maybe more. The MIB is less than a hundred feet behind them. And gaining.

Gaston: Did I make it clear that your job is at stake!

**CUT TO:**

**THE MAN IN BLACK.**

**CUT TO:**

**THE CLIFF TOP AS HERC MAKES IT!**

Gaston leaps off and takes out a knife, begins to cut the rope which is tied around a great rock while Aladdin helps the Princess to her feet and Hercules just stands around, waiting for someone to tell him to do something. Nearby are some stone ruins. Once they might have been a fort, now the kind of resemble Stonehenge.

**CUT TO:**

**THE MAN IN BLACK.**

75 feet from the top now, maybe less -- maybe only 50 -- and his pace is as dazzling as before, and

**CUT TO:**

Gaston cutting through the last of the rope and

**CUT TO:**

The rope slithering across the ground and out of sight toward the Channel, like some great serpent at last going home.

**CUT TO:**

Hercules standing with Aladdin and Buttercup by the cliff edge.

Hercules: (to Aladdin -- impressed) He has very good arms.

**CUT TO:**

The Man In Blackhanging suspended hundreds of feet in the air, holding to the jagged rocks, desperately trying to cling to life.

**CUT TO:**

Gaston, stunned, turning to the others, looking down.

Gaston: He didn't fall? Inconceivable!

Aladdin: (whirling on him) You keep using that word -- I do not think it means what you think it means. (Looks down again) My gosh! He's climbing.

**CUT TO:**

The MIB, very slowly, he is picking his way upwards, sometimes a foot at a time, sometimes an inch.

**CUT TO:**

The group at the top, staring down.

Gaston: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the Princess, and must therefore die. (to Herc) You, carry her. (to Aladdin) We'll head straight for the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword!

Aladdin: I want to duel him left-handed.

Gaston: Left, right, doesn't matter. You know what a hurry we're in!

Aladdin: Well, it's the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right… it'll over too quickly.

Gaston: (turns abruptly, starts off-screen) Oh, have it your way.

Hercules: You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.

Gaston: (calling out) I'm waiting!

Hercules nods, hurries after Gaston.

**CUT TO:**

Aladdin watches them depart, then turns, peers down over the Cliffs. He watches a moment, then paces, shaking his hands loose. He practices a few of his honed fencing skills. He is a taut and nervous fellow, and has never been one for waiting around. The he starts walking away. Finally he goes back to cliff edge, starts to talk. It's instant death if the Man In Black falls, but neither gives that possibility much credence.

Aladdin: (hollering down) Hello there. Slow going?

MIB: Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks. So I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.

Aladdin: Sorry.

MIB: Thank you.

Aladdin steps away, draws his sword, and loosens up with a few perfect thrusts. Then re-sheathes and looks eagerly over the edge again.

Aladdin: I do not suppose you could speed things up?

MIB: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope, or a tree branch, or find something useful to do.

Aladdin: I could do that. In fact, I've got some rope up here. But I do not think that you will accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.

MIB: That does put a damper on our relationship.

Aladdin: But I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.

MIB: That's very comforting. But I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.

Aladdin: I hate waiting… I could give you my word as an Arabian.

MIB: No good. I've known too many Arabians.

Aladdin: You don't know any way you'll trust me?

MIB: Nothing comes to mind.

Aladdin: (in a strange tone) I swear on the soul of my father, Cassim the King of Thieves, you will reach the top alive.

There is a pause. Then, quietly:

MIB: Throw me the rope.

Aladdin dashes to the giant rock the rope was originally tied to. With a small coil of rope, hurries back to the edge and hurls it over --

It hangs close to the Man In Black. He releases the rocks, grabs the rope, hangs helplessly in space a moment, then looks up at Aladdin and -- the Arabian straining, forcing his body away from the cliff edge and --

**CUT TO:**

The MIB rising through the early morning light, slowly, steadily, and as the cliff top at last comes within reach --

Aladdin watches as the Man In Black crawls to safety, then looks to Aladdin.

MIB: Thank you. (pulling his sword)

Aladdin: We'll wait until you're ready.

MIB: Again. Thank you.

The Man In Black sits to rest on the boulder that once held the rope. He tugs off his leather boots and is amazed to see several large rocks tumble out. The Man In Black wears gloves. Aladdin stares at them.

Aladdin: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have a hook on your left hand?

MIB: (he glances up -- the question clearly baffles him) Do you always begin conversations this way?

Aladdin: My father was slaughtered by a hook-handed man.

The MIB was quiet. Then he raises his left hand. No hook.

Aladdin: He was a great sword maker, my father. And when the hook-handed man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before he was done.

He hands his sword to the Man In Black.

MIB: (fondling it-impressed) I have never seen its equal. (gives the sword back to him)

Aladdin: (gravely) The hook-handed man returned and demanded it, but at one-tenth his promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the hook-handed man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father. So, naturally, challenged his murderer to a duel ... I failed ... the hook-handed man made me live, but he gave me these.

(He touches the scars on the sides of his face)

MIB: How old were you?

Aladdin: I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing. So the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the hook-handed man and say, "Hello, my name is Aladdin the Prince of Thieves. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

MIB: … You've done nothing but study swordplay?

MIB: More pursuit than study lately. You see, I cannot find him. It's been twenty years now. I am starting to lose confidence. I just work for Gaston to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge.

MIB: Well, I certainly hope you find him, someday.

Aladdin: You are ready, then?

MIB: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.

Aladdin: You seem a decent fellow… I hate to kill you.

MIB: (walking away a few paces, unsheathing his sword) _You_ seem a decent fellow… I hate to die.

Aladdin: Begin!

Review, please! Or no cookies!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Disney, and "The Princess Bride".

Note: This is a long chapter.

Reply To All Reviewers: I'll admit now that I copied the movie script and I only changed the names and added some lines (yes, I am feeling a little bit lazy). Well this is my first movie parody story, so be please be gentle with me.

**Chapter III**

**CUT TO:**

**THE TWO OF THEM.**

And what we are starting now is one of the two greatest sword fights in modern movies (the other one happens later on), and right from the beginning it looks different. Because they aren't close to each other -- none of the swords-crossing "en garde" garbage.

No, what we have here is two men, two athletes, and they look to be too faraway to damage each other, but each time one makes even the tiniest feint, the other counters, and there is silence, and as they start to circle --

Their swords cross, then again, again, and the sound comes so fast it's almost continual. Aladdin presses on, the Man In Black retreating up a rocky incline.

Aladdin: (thrilled) You're using Bonetti's defense against me, ah?

MIB: I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain --

Aladdin: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro --

And he shifts his style now.

MIB: (coping as best he can) -- naturally -- (suddenly shifting again) --but I find Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro, don't you?

Kuzco: (off-screen) Bonetti? Capo Ferro? Thibault? Okay, now I feel like I'm in a coffe shop!

Isla the Director: Shh, you're ruining a good scene.

The Man In Black is now perched at the edge of the elevated castle ruin. No where to go, he jumps to the sand. Aladdin stares down at him.

Aladdin: Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa-

And now, with the grace of an Olympian, Aladdin flies off the perch, somersaults clean over the Man In Black's head, and lands facing his opponent.

Aladdin: -- which I have.

The two men are almost flying across the rocky terrain, never losing balance, never coming close to stumbling; the battle rages with incredible finesse, first one and then the other gaining the advantage.

**CUT TO:**

**ALADDIN. **

And behind him now, drawing closer all the time, is the deadly edge of the Cliffs of Insanity. Aladdin fights and ducks and feints and slashes and it all works, but not for long, as gradually the Man In Black keeps the advantage, keeps forcing Aladdin back, closer and closer to death.

Aladdin: You are wonderful!

MIB: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.

The Cliff edge is very close now. Aladdin is continually being forced toward it. Inches from defeat, he is, however, all smiles.

Aladdin: I admit, you are better than I am.

MIB: Then why are you smiling?

Aladdin: Because I know something you don't know.

MIB: And what is that?

Aladdin: I… am not left-handed.

And he throws his sword into his right hand and immediately, the tide of battle turns.

**CUT TO:**

The Man In Black is stunned, doing everything he can to keep Aladdin by the Cliff edge. But it was no use. Slowly at first, he begins to retreat. Now faster, Aladdin is in control and the Man In Black is desperate.

**CUT TO:**

A ROCKY STAIRCASE leading to a turret-shaped plateau, and the Man In Black is retreating like mad up the steps and he can't stop Aladdin -- nothing can stop Aladdin -- and in a frenzy, the Man In Black makes every feint, tries every thrust, lets go with all he has left. But he fails. Everything fails. He tries one or two final desperate moves but they are nothing.

MIB: You're amazing!

Aladdin: I ought to be after twenty years. Hey, wait a minute, I'm not that old! Oh, well…

And now the Man In Black is smashed into a stone pillar, pinned there under the Aladdin's sword.

MIB: (grunting) There's something I ought to tell you.

Aladdin: All right… Tell me.

MIB: (smiles) … I am not left-handed either.

Aladdin: What!

And now the Man In Black changes hands, and at last, the battle is fully joined.

**CUT TO:**

And to Aladdin's amazement, he is being forced back down the steps. He tries one style, another, but it all comes down to the same thing -- the Man In Black seems to be in control. And before Aladdin knows it, his sword is knocked clear out of his hand.

He retreats, dives from the stairs to a moss-covered bar suspended over the archway. He swings out, lands, and scrambles to his sword and we

**CUT TO:**

**THE MAN IN BLACK**

who watches Aladdin, then casually tosses his sword to the landing where it sticks in perfectly. Then the Man In Black copies Aladdin. Not copy exactly, improves. He dives to the bar, swings completely over it like a circus performer and dismounts with a perfect back flip.

**CUT TO:**

Aladdin: (staring in awe) Who… are you!

MIB: No one of consequence.

Aladdin: Please, I must know.

MIB: Get used to disappointment.

Aladdin: Okay.

Aladdin began moving like lightning, and he thrusts forward, slashes, darts back, all in almost a single movement and --

The Man In Black was dodging, blocking, and again he thrusts forward, faster even than before, and again he slashes but --

There is never a move anyone makes Aladdin doesn't remember, and this time he blocks the slash, slashes out himself with his sword.

On it goes, back and forth across the rocky terrain, Aladdin's feet moving with the grace and speed of a great improvisational dancer.

**CUT TO:**

**ALADDIN'S SWORD **

as it is knocked free, arching up into the air, and --

**CUT TO:**

Aladdin catches it again. And something terrible is written behind his eyes: he has given his all, done everything man can do, tried every style, made every maneuver, but it wasn't enough, and on his face for all to see is the realization that he, Aladdin the Prince of Thieves of Arabia, is going to lose.

**CUT TO:**

The Man In Black is moving in for the end now, blocking everything, muzzling everything and

**CUT TO:**

Aladdin's sword is sent flying from Aladdin's grip. He stands helpless only a moment. Then be drops to his knees, bows his head, shuts his eyes.

Aladdin: Kill me quickly... You beat me fair and square.

Isla: Nooo, don't kill him! We need him later on!

MIB: I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either --

And he dunks Aladdin's head with his heavy sword handle. Aladdin pitches forward.

Aladdin: Owww… (fall unconscious)

MIB: Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.

He grabs his scabbard and takes off after the Princess .

**CUT TO:**

A beautiful grassy field. The Man In Black can be seen running. It's a little later in the morning.

**CLOSE UP: GASTON**

Gaston: Inconceivable!

PULL BACK TO REVEAL

Gaston, staring down from a narrow mountain path. Hercules, carrying the Princess, stands alongside. It's a little later in the morning.

Gaston: Give her to me. (grabs Aurora starts off) Catch up with us quickly.

Hercules: But -- but --What do I do?

Gaston: Finish him, finish him! Your way!

Hercules: Oh, good, my way. Thank you, Gaston……… Which way is my way?

Gaston: (pointing at nearby boulders of rocks) Pick up one of those rocks, get behind the boulder, and in a few minutes, the Man in Black will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, **hit it with the rock! **Dim bulb…

Gaston and Aurora hurry away.

Hercules: (little frown; softly) Hey… My way's not very sportsmanlike.

However, he shrugs and grabs one of the rocks and plods behind the boulder and we --

**DISSOLVE TO:**

The Man In Black is racing up the mountain trail. Ahead is a bend in the trail. He sees it, slows. Then he stops, listening. A rock flies, shattering on a boulder inches in front of him.

**CUT TO:**

Hercules moves into the mountain path. He has picked up another rock and holds it lightly.

Hercules: I did that on purpose.

MIB: I believe you -- So what happens now?

Hercules: We face each other as I intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.

MIB: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword, and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people?

Hercules gets set to throw, but the Man In Black shakes his head, takes off his sword and scabbard, begins the approach toward him.

MIB: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.

Hercules: It's not my fault being the strongest.

He flips the rock away.

**CUT TO:**

**THE MOUNTAIN PATH AND THE TWO MEN. **

The Man In Black is not now and has never been a shrimp. But it's like he wasn't even there, Hercules towers over him so much.

There is a moment's pause, and then the Man In Black dives at Hercules' chest, slams him several tremendous blows in the stomach, twists his arm severely, slips skillfully into a beautifully applied bear hug, and in general makes any number of terrific wrestling moves. Hercules just stands there, kind of taking in the scenery. Finally the Man In Black pushes himself away, stares up him.

MIB: Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?

Hercules: I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed.

Man In Black: Thanks a lot.

They get set to begin again. Then suddenly --

**CUT TO:**

Hercules jumps forward with stunning speed for anyone his size and reaches for the Man In Black who drops to his knees, spins loose, and slips between the Hercules' legs.

Hercules: Wow, you're quick!

MIB: And a good thing too.

Hercules: (getting set for another onslaught) Why do you wear a mask? Were you burned or born with defects or something like that?

MIB: Oh no. It's just that they're comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.

Hercules considers this a moment, then attacks, and if he moved quickly last time, this time he is blinding and as the Man In Black slips down to avoid the charge, Hercules moves right with him, only instead of twisting free and jumping to his feet, this time the Man In Black jumps for Hercules' back and in a moment he is riding him, and his arms have Hercules' throat, locked across his windpipe, one in front, one behind. The Man In Black begins to squeeze. Tighter.

Isla the Director: Don't suffocate him to death.

MIB: Don't worry, I will not.

Hercules: (standing, talking as he does so) I just figured out why you give me so much trouble.

Hercules charges toward a huge rock that lines the path, and just as he reaches it he spins his muscled body so that the entire weight of the charge is taken by the Man In Black. And the power of the charge is terrible, the pain enormous (MIB: "Owww."), but he clings to his grip at Hercules' windpipe.

MIB: Why is that, do you think?

Hercules: (his voice just beginning to get a little strained) Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. I've been specializing in groups. Battling Greek monsters for local charities, that kind of thing.

**CUT TO:**

**ANOTHER HUGE ROCK ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PATH.**

Again, Hercules charges, slower this time, but still a charge, and again he spins and creams the Man In Black against the rough boulder.

**CUT TO:**

And the punishment is terrible, and for a moment it seems as if the Man IN Black is going to let go of Hercules windpipe and crumble, but he doesn't, he holds on.

MIB: Will you stop smashing me!

Hercules: I can't help it. It was in the script.

Isla the Director: Get back to your real lines, guys.

MIB: (says his line) Why should that make such a difference?

Hercules: Well ... (And now his voice is definitely growing weaker) ... you see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried about one.

Again Hercules slams the Man In Black against a boulder, only this time his power has diminished and Hercules starts to slowly collapse.

The Man In Black is holding his grip as Hercules tries to stand, halfway makes it, but there is no air. Back to his knees he falls, holds there for a moment, and pitches down to all fours. The Man In Black increases the pressure. Hercules tries to crawl. But there is just no air. No air. Hercules goes to earth and lies still.

The Man In Black turns him over, puts his ear to Hercules' heart. It beats. The Man In Black stands.

MIB: I don't envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But, in the meantime, rest well ... and dream of Grecian beauties.

And he nimbly scoops up his sword with his foot, catches it and as he dashes off up along the mountain path --

**CUT TO:**

Emperor Kuzco slips his boot into a foot print in the sand.

Captain Hook, mounting, watches. Behind him, half a dozen armed soldiers were also mounting. A great black horse named Kahn waits riderless in front. Kuzco is all over the rocky ground. He begins to put his feet into strange positions, he is doing is miming the fencers.

Kuzco: There was a mighty duel -- it ranged all over. They were both excellent masters. Wow, not I'm only very powerful, I'm also very smart. Yep! Boom, baby!

Hook: You can admire yourself all day, Your Emperorship. But in the mean time: who won the battle? How did it end?

Kuzco: (looking down in the position where Aladdin fell unconscious) Hm, let's see… The loser ran off alone.

(Points in the direction Gaston and Hercules, and the Man In Black took)

The winner followed those footprints toward Guilder!

Hook: Shall we track them both?

Kuzco: The loser is nothing -- (Aladdin: "Hey!") -- Only the Princess matters -- (to the armed warriors) -- clearly this was all planned by warriors of Guilder. We must be ready for whatever lies ahead.

Hook: Could this be a trap?

Kuzco: (vaulting onto his horse) I always think everything could be a trap -- Which is why I'm still alive. Hehe.

And he gallops off --

**CUT TO:**

The Man In Black comes running around the path, sees Gaston, slows. He saw Gaston holding a knife to Aurora's throat. She is blindfolded.

A picnic spread is laid out. A tablecloth, two goblets and between them, a small leather wine container. And some cheese and a couple of apples. The picnic is set on a lovely spot, high on the edge of a mountain path with a view all the way back to the sea.

The two men study each other. Then --

Gaston: So, it is down to you… And it is down to me.

The Man In Black nods and comes nearer --

Gaston: If you wish her dead, by all means keep moving forward.

And he pushes his long knife harder against Aurora's unprotected throat.

MIB: Let me explain-

Gaston: -- there's nothing to explain! You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen.

MIB: "Rightfully"? Perhaps an arrangement can be reached.

Gaston: There will be no arrangement… and you're killing her.

He jabs with his long knife. Aurora gasps against the pain.

MIB: But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.

Gaston: I'm afraid so -- I can't compete with you physically, even thought I wanted to. And you're no match for my brains.

MIB: What brains?

Gaston: (glares at him) Watch it.

MIB: Are you that smart?

Gaston: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Merlin, Maleficent, Yen Sid?

MIB: Yes.

Gaston: Morons.

Merlin, Maleficent, and Yen Sid: (off-screen) WHAT!

Isla the Director: (whispers) He didn't mean it, guys. Lower your staff, Maleficent…

MIB: Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.

Gaston: For the Princess?

The Man In Black nods.

Gaston: To the death?

Another nod.

Gaston: I accept!

MIB: Good. Then pour the wine.

As Gaston fills the goblets with the dark red liquid, the Man In Black pulls a small packet from his clothing, handing it to Gaston.

MIB: Inhale this, but do not touch.

Gaston: (smells it) I smell nothing.

MIB: (taking the packet back) What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.

Gaston: Hm… really?

Gaston watches as the Man In Black takes the goblets, turns his back. A moment later, he turns again, faces Gaston, and drops the iocane packet. It is now empty.

The Man In Black rotates the goblets in a little shell game maneuver then puts one glass in front of Gaston, the other in front of himself.

MIB: All right: where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right and who is dead.

Gaston: But it's so simple! All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet, or his enemy's?

Now here's comes the greatest speech ever performed by the greatest hunter, Gaston.

MIB: And his last.

Gaston: What?

MIB: Nothing.

Gaston: Now… a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I'm not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

MIB: You've made your decision then?

Gaston: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Hollow Bastion, as everyone knows. And Hollow Bastion is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

MIB: You have a dizzying intellect, you know that?

Gaston: Shut up and let me finish! Where was I?

MIB: Hollow Bastion.

Gaston: Yes – Hollow Bastion. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. I'm not an idiot, you know.

MIB: You're just stalling now.

Gaston: (cackling) You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my strongman, which means you're exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Arabian which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. I love this guy!

MIB: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It will never work.

Gaston: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!

MIB: Then make your choice.

Gaston: I will! And I choose --

And suddenly he stops, points at something behind the Man In Black.

Gaston: -- what in the world can that be?

MIB: (turning around, looking) What? Where? I don't see anything.

Gaston switches the goblets while the Man In Black has his head turned.

Gaston: Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.

The Man In Black turns to face him again. Gaston starts to laugh.

MIB: What's so funny?

Gaston: I'll tell you in a minute. But first, a toast! Let's drink -- me from my glass, and you from yours.

And he picks up his goblet. The Man In Black picks up the one in front of him. As they both start to drink, Gaston hesitates a moment. Then, allowing the Man In Black to drink first, he swallows his wine.

MIB: You guessed wrong.

Gaston: (roaring with laughter) You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned, you fool!

MIB: You sneaky coward.

Gaston: I know! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! No one has wits like Gaston! Never go in against Gaston when death is on the line!

He laughs and laughs… until he falls over dead. Yes, people, DEAD.

**CUT TO:**

The Man IN Black steps past the corpse, taking the blindfold and bindings off Aurora.

Aurora: Who are you?

MIB: I am no one to be trifled with, that is all you ever need know.

Aurora: (a glance toward Gaston) To think… all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.

MIB: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.

Gaston: (muttering) Why, you creepy –

Isla the Director: Quiet, you're supposed to be dead. (Gaston stays silent)

The Man In Black pulls Aurora to her feet. He starts to lead her off the mountain path into unraveled terrain.

**CUT TO:**

**A MOUNTAIN PATH**

It's where Hercules fought the Man in Black. Kuzco was kneeling, inspecting every grain of misplaced sand. The others wait behind him.

Kuzco: Someone… has beaten a strongman! There will be great suffering in Guilder if she dies!

He leaps onto his horse and they charge off.

Hook: (mutters) He really scares me when he's angry.

**CUT TO:**

**A WILD STRETCH OF TERRAIN**

The Man In Black comes running into view, still dragging Aurora, who sometimes stumbles, but he keeps forcing her along. Finally, when she is close to exhaustion, he lets go of her.

MIB: Catch your breath.

Aurora: If you'll release me ... whatever you ask for ransom ... you'll get it, I promise you...

MIB: And what is that worth, the promise of a woman? Ha! You're very funny, Highness.

Aurora: I was giving you a chance. No matter where you take me ... there's no greater hunter than Emperor Kuzco. He can find you!

MIB: You think your dearest _love_ will save you?

Aurora: I never said he was my dearest love! And yes, he will save me. That I know.

MIB: You admit to me you do not love your… fiancé?

Aurora: He knows I do not love him. (Kuzco: sniffs "You don't love me?")

MIB: "Are not capable of love" is what you mean.

Aurora: (glares at him) I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream.

The Man In Black grabs her wrist. Aurora flinches, but does not retreat. He releases his hand after giving her a deep glare.

MIB: You be careful, Highness. For where I come from, there are penalties when a woman lies.

**CUT TO:**

The picnic is spread as before. Kuzco kneels by Gaston's body as the others ride up. The Emperor grabs the empty poison packet, hands it to Hook, after first sniffing it himself.

Kuzco: Iocane. (gestures to the trail ahead) And here are the Princess's footprints. She is alive ... or was, an hour ago. If she is otherwise when I find her, I shall be very, VERY displeased.

And as he vaults onto his horse and they all charge off --

**CUT TO:**

A view, falling heavily as the Man In Black releases Aurora. We are at the edge of an almost sheer ravine. The drop is sharp and severe. Below, the ravine floor is flat, but getting there would not be half the fun.

MIB: Rest, Highness.

Aurora: I know who you are -- your cruelty reveals everything. You're the Dread Pirate Jack Sparrow; admit it.

MIB: (in a Jack Sparrow-esque voice) With pride, me bonnie lass. (in his original voice) What can I do for you?

Aurora: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.

MIB: Hardly complimentary, Your Highness. Why loose your venom on me?

Aurora: … You killed my love.

MIB: It's possible; I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another emperor, like this one: ugly, rich, and skinny? (Kuzco: "He insulted me!" Isla: "Shaddup.")

Aurora: No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm. On the high seas, your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate Jack Sparrow never takes prisoners.

MIB: I can't afford to make exceptions. Once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you, and then it's nothing but work, work, work, all the time.

Aurora: You mock my pain!

MIB: Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This would be, what, five years ago? Does it bother you to hear?

Aurora: (looks away)Nothing you can say will upset me.

MIB: He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, "Please. Please, I need to live." It was the "please" that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important for him. "True love," he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness. I can only assume he meant you... You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are.

Aurora: (faces him) And what… am I?

MIB: Faithfulness he talked of, madam. Your enduring "faithfulness". Now, tell me truly. When you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your Kuzco that same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?

Aurora: How dare you! You mocked me once, never do it again! I **died** that day!

The Man In Black is about to reply as they stand there on the edge of the sheer ravine. But then something catches his attention and as he stares at it briefly,

**CUT TO:**

The dust cloud caused by Kuzco's horses is rising up into the sky.

**CUT TO:**

Aurora: You can die too, for all I care!

And while his attention is on the dust cloud, rising high, she pushes him with all the strength she has.

MIB: Aurora! Wait -- wait --Whoa!

**CUT TO:**

The Man In Black, teetering on the ravine edge, for a moment, then he begins to fall. Down he goes. Down, down, rolling, spinning, crashing always down toward the flat rock floor of the ravine.

MIB: ... as ...you ... wish...

Aurora: Phillip? Oh, my sweet Phillip; what have I done?

And without thinking, she starts into the ravine. A moment later, she too is falling, spinning and twisting, crashing and torn, cart wheeling down toward what is left of her beloved.

**CUT TO:**

Emperor Kuzco and the others reining in at the spot where Aurora promised ransom in exchange for her freedom. The Emperor looks around.

Kuzco: Disappeared. He must have seen us closing in, which might account for his panicking in error. Unless I'm wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed dead into the Tulgey Wood.

**Review! And no flames, please.**


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Disney, and "The Princess Bride".

Note: This chapter contains some random twists that I added that are not from the movie.

**Chapter IV**

**CUT TO:**

**THE RAVINE FLOOR**

Aurora and Phillip lie a few feet apart, not moving. After a while, Phillip slowly forces his body into motion. Aurora, bruised and torn, crawls slowly toward him.

Aurora: Phillip, it's you! You came back!

Phillip: I told you, "I would always come for you." Why didn't you wait for me?

Aurora: Well ... you were dead.

Phillip: Death cannot stop true love…... All it can do is delay it for a while.

Aurora: I will never doubt again.

Phillip: There will never be a need.

Disney Characters (the good ones) In the Background: Awwwww…

Isla the Director: (Sighs) Love.

Aurora and Phillip begin to kiss; it's a tender kiss. Tender and loving, and gentle and --

Pinocchio: (off-screen) Oh no. No, please! Make it stop!

**CUT TO:**

**PINNY'S BEDROOM**

Geppetto: What is it? What's the matter?

Pinocchio: They're kissing again! Do I really have to hear the kissing part?

Geppetto: You don't like kissing?

Pinocchio: I don't mean it like that. It's just that… it's a little too icky.

Geppetto: Someday, you may not mind kissing so much.

Pinocchio: There won't be a someday!

Isla the Director: Hey, Pinocchio; bet you ten bucks you wouldn't mind kissing at the end of this movie.

Pinocchio: You're on. Where am I?

Isla the Director: You were going to ask Geppetto to skip on to the Tulgey Wood because it sounded good.

Pinocchio: (to Geppetto) Skip on to the Tulgey Wood, that sounded good.

Geppetto: You're sick, I'll humor you.

Pinocchio: (pouts like a little boy) I'm not sick!

Geppetto: (picks up the book again) So now, where were we here? Ah, okay. Phillip and Aurora raced along the ravine floor.

**CUT TO:**

Phillip and Aurora racing along the ravine floor. Phillip glances up.

Phillip: Ha! Your pig fiancé is too late!

Kuzco: I'm not a pig! How dare you!

Hook: Of course he's not a pig.

Kuzco: Thank you.

Hook: He's a llama.

Kuzco: (sarcastically) Thanks a lot.

Phillip: (to Aurora) A few more steps and we'll be safe in the Tulgey Wood.

Aurora: We'll never survive in there.

Phillip: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.

**CUT TO:**

**THE TULGEY WOOD**

If you have seen Disney's Alice in Wonderland, you know what Tulgey Wood looks like. But try to imagine the Tulgey Wood being moist, dark, and spooky. Great trees block the sun. Aurora is panicked and Phillip is too, but he moves along, sword in hand.

Phillip: Well... It's not that bad.

Aurora: Excuse me?

Phillip: I'm not saying I'd like to build a honeymoon cottage here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.

Cheshire Cat: (off-screen) They are. (Sings ominously) _'Twas brillig and the slithy toves…_

Aurora: (whispers to him) Does he have to sing that song?

A slight popping sound was heard. A spurt of flame leaps up from a mushroom standing next to Phillip and Aurora. The spurt of flame misses Phillip, but Aurora's lower part of her dress is suddenly on fire.

Aurora: Aaaaah! My dress!

Hades: (laughing wildly off-screen) Yeah! Burn, baby! Burn!

Phillip instantly motions Aurora to sit, gathering her flaming hem in his hands, doing his best to suffocate the fire. He finally puts it out.

Hades: Ohh, good-bye, flames.

Phillip: Well now, that was an adventure. Were you singed?

Aurora: No. You?

Phillip: Yes.

As he pulls her to her feet, there is another popping sound. Phillip quickly grabs Aurora and pulls her aside to safety as another great spun of flame suddenly shoots up from another mushroom.

Phillip: Fire mushrooms, how original… Well, one thing I will say. The Tulgey Wood certainly does keep you on your toes.

He takes Aurora's hand, gently takes her forward, moving slowly along through a particularly dangerous part of the Tulgey Wood.

Phillip: This will all soon be but a happy memory because Jack Sparrow's ship the" Black Pearl" is anchored at the far end. And I, as you know, am Jack Sparrow.

Isla the Director: Funny, you don't look like Johnny Depp at all. (dreamily) Ohhh, Johnny…

Aurora: (ignores Isla's remark) But how is that possible, since he's been marauding twenty years and you only left me five years ago?

Phillip: I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks.

There is a popping sound again, then a spurt of flame. Phillip simply picks up Aurora as they walk along, moves her out of danger, puts her back down, goes right on talking.

Phillip: You see, what I told you before about saying "please" was true. It intrigued Jack Sparrow, as did my descriptions of your beauty.

**CUT TO:**

**SOME HIDEOUS VINES **

They look so dead-looking even Tarzan wouldn't swing on them. Phillip takes his sword, slices a path for them to follow. He's been chatting away the entire time.

Phillip: … Finally, Jack Sparrow decided something. He said, "All right, Phillip, I've never had a valet. You can try it for tonight. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he said that. "Good night, Phillip. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, to fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Sparrow and I eventually became friends… And then it happened.

Aurora: What is it? Go on.

Phillip: Well, Jack Sparrow had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin and told me his secret…… "I am not the Dread Pirate Jack Sparrow," he said.

Aurora: You're kidding me!

Phillip: I'm not. "My name is Bootstrap Bill," he says. "I inherited the Black Pearl from the previous Dread Pirate Jack Sparrow, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Jack Sparrow, either. His name was Barbossa. The real Jack Sparrow has retired nearly fifteen years and he's been looking for some item called the Dead Man's Chest for some fellow named Davy Jones." Then he explained the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. No one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Phillip.

Jack Sparrow: (off-screen) He's right abou' that. "Dread Pirate Phillip" doesn't soun' too scary. It doesn't soun' too catchy either.

Isla the Director: Aah! Where did you come from! I thought you we're looking for the Dead Man's Chest!

Jack Sparrow: I'm taking ah break, Miss Isla, savvy? (he pronounces "Isla" as "Ees-la") Anyway, do you have any rum here?

Isla the Director: It's Isla! (she pronounces it as "Ay-la") Back to the movie, people! 1

Phillip: So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and Bootstrap Bill stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, all the time calling me Jack Sparrow. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Jack Sparrow ever since. Except, now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?

Aurora is about to reply but the puddle of water she steps on gives way. It's the Pool of Tears. She sinks into the pool, crying Phillip's name, then she is gone.

Phillip quickly slashes at a U-shaped vine, hacks it in half. It's still connected to a tree. Then be grabs it, drops his sword, and, clutching the other end of the vine, he dives into the Pool of Tears. Now nothing can be seen. Just the pool.

An odd scratching sound is heard now. And then a live Broomstick from Fantasia (A/N: If you have seen Fantasia, then you know about the famous broomsticks I'm talking about.) walks into view. It is two times larger than an ordinary broom. It sweeps around a bit then goes.

All Disney Characters: (off-screen) A broomstick! (All stare at Isla)

Isla the Director: What?

Phillip explodes out from the Pool of Tears; he has Aurora across his shoulders and as he pulls to the edge of the pool, using the vine to climb out.

They were both drenched from the tear water. As Phillip continues to pull them to safety the Broomstick watches high above them.

Phillip was trying to calm a frightened Aurora when glances around and saw the Broomstick staring down at them. He stares.

Phillip: You got to be kidding me.

Aurora: We'll never succeed. We may as well die here! Why is my character so pessimistic?

Phillip. No, Aurora. We have already succeeded. (he glances back again) Uh-oh.

Now there are two Broomsticks. They have climbed into a nearby tree, and they are staring hungrily down. And it was quite a disturbing sight. Warning: If your broomstick starts to stare hungrily at you, be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

Phillip picks Aurora up. He puts an arm around her, starts to walk with her as he encouragingly goes on talking.

Phillip: I mean, what are the three terrors of the Tulgey Wood? One, the Fire Mushrooms. No problem. There's a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the Pool of Tears. But you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.

Aurora: But, Phillip, what about the B.O.U.S.s?

Isla the Director: (starts to giggle)

Phillip: Broomsticks of Unusual Size?

Isla the Director: (now laughing hilariously)

Sebastian: (off-screen) What are you giggling and laughing about, you crazy girl!

Isla the Director: Well… (whispers to him)

Sebastian: Ugh! I thought this PG-rated! Naughty!

Phillip: (repeats his line) Broomsticks of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist...

And as he says that, a B.0.U.S. (aw, heck with it, we'll just call "Broomstick") comes flying at him. Aurora screams.

Phillip, pinned under the attacking broomstick, is trying to fend it off. The thing's sharp fingers sink deep into his arm (Fantasia's broomsticks have arms and hands, in case you don't know or you have forgotten). He howls in pain.

Phillip: I do not howl like a dog!

Isla the Director: In this movie, you howl like a dog!

Aurora: Why am I standing around acting like a Damsel in Distress? Shouldn't I try to help him?

Phillip: I could sure use some help here!

Isla the Director: Sorry, Aurora, you can't.

Phillip drives a fist into the B.O.U.S., rolling it off. He reaches for his sword just a few feet away, but the B.O.U.S is back atop him. It's a fierce battle, yet it is hilarious sight to see. A guy fighting a broomstick is a sight you sure wouldn't want to miss. Phillip flips the thing off.

Phillip scrambles for his sword. The broomstick stampedes on, changing its target, heading right for Aurora.

Aurora: Phillip!

Phillip: (turns his head) Huh? Whoa!

He abandons his sword, grabs the B.O.U.S., and wrestles with it. Aurora grabs a branch and whacks the broomstick. But the thing manages to snag her hem with its razor fingers, and she's pulled to the ground. Phillip jumps onto its back, and the B.O.U.S. is all over him now, sinking needle fingers into his shoulder.

Phillip: (screaming in pain) NOT AGAIN!

The he hears a popping sound. In one desperate move, he rolls into the sound from a Fire Mushroom. A flame shoot skyward and the B.O.U.S. bursts into flame. It lets go and runs a round wildly, trying to put itself out. Phillip grabs his sword and cuts the broomstick in half and it collapses to death. Phillip stands motionless, exhausted. The danger has passed. Aurora is relieved.

Phillip: I… will never… look at an ordinary broomstick… the same way… again.

**DISSOLVE TO:**

**THE FAR EDGE OF THE TULGEY WOOD**

Aurora: We did it.

Phillip: Now, was that so terrible?

Aurora: I'll admit now it was far worse than I expected.

Suddenly, they appeared. Kuzco on Kahn. Hook beside him. Three soldiers (Yao, Ling, Chein Po), armed and ready, are mounted in formation behind.

Kuzco: All right! Surrender!

Phillip: You mean you wish to surrender to me? I accept.

Kuzco: Oh, it's me who's outwitted, huh? I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool.

Phillip: But how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Tulgey Wood. We can live there quite happily for some time. So, whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit.

Kuzco: I'm in no mood for jokes. I'll tell you once again -- surrender!

Phillip: Over my dead body.

Kuzco: That could be arranged.

Aurora was looking from one to the other; then something else catches her eye. An armed Hun (from Mulan) with a loaded crossbow aimed at Phillip's heart. She looked the other way and saw another armed Hun crossbow aimed at Philip.

Kuzco: Okay, buddy, for the last time -- SURRENDER!

Phillip: DEATH FIRST!

Aurora: Will you promise not to hurt him!

Kuzco and Phillip in unison: What was that?

Aurora: (to Kuzco) If we surrender, and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?

Kuzco: Sure. Okay.

Aurora: He is a sailor on the pirate ship the "Black Pearl". Promise to return him to his ship.

Kuzco: Yeah, yeah, fine. (to Hook) Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Doom.

Hook: (smirks) It shall be done.

Aurora: (staring deeply in Phillip's eyes) I thought you were dead once, and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you.

Phillip: Aurora...

Kuzco: Let's go, Aurora baby! My kingdom waits for us!

Aurora tries to speak again but is swooped off her feet onto Kahn, and off they go. Phillip watches after her.

Hook: Come, sir. We must get you to your ship.

The soldiers bring Phillip to him.

Phillip: Listen here, we are men of action. Lies do not become us.

Hook: Well spoken, young lad. What are you looking at?

Phillip is looking at a hook where Captain Hook's left hand should be. He smiles at him.

Phillip: You have a hook on your left hand. Someone was looking for you --

Captain Hook clubs Phillip hard across the skull. Phillip starts to fall and everything goes black. We hear Hook's menacing laughter in the darkness.

Isla the Director: Quiet, Hook…

Hook: Be quiet, woman! I'm having a moment here!

----------------------------

Phillip: This chapter is really random, don't you think so?

Aladdin: Well, don't look at me! I didn't write the script!

Hercules: I wonder who'll be playing Miracle Max?

Isla: You have to wait and find out! In the meant time...

**Review, no flames, and you'll get free cookies!**

Mushu, Hades, and Kuzco: I love cookies!


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own Disney, and "The Princess Bride".

Note: Sorry it took so long to update.

**Chapter V**

**THE PIT OF DOOM**

A dank, windowless, and chilly underground place, lit by flickering torches. Phillip lies in the center of the cage, chained and unconscious. Then a door to the pit opens, and the Mad Hatter silently enters, carrying a tray of medication. He stands next to Phillip, who was shirtless—

Isla the Director: Shirtless Phillip! (Squealing excitedly) Eeeehhhhhh!

Mad Hatter: Sshhhhh!

Isla the Director: Don't you "shh" me, I'm the director! You're just an actor, I outrank you! Get back to your job!

The Mad Hatter sighs and begins tending Phillips bloody wound. Phillip woke up and sees him.

Phillip: Where am I?

Mad Hatter: (in a raspy voice) The Pit of Doom! Hehehe! Don't even think --

(then he starts to cough. After several hacks and sputters, he reverted back to his original voice, which is high-pitched) This embarrassing -- don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued either. The only way in is secret. And only the Emperor, Captain Hook, and I know how to get in and out.

Phillip: Um, Isla, why are my wounds being tended by a madman? Especially one who takes tea with a hare?

Isla the Director: I gave him the role of the Albino because he wanted it.

Mad Hatter: "I wanted it?" I was supposed to play Miracle Max! But she gave the part to somebody else instead.

Isla the Director: Hey, come on, I too didn't enjoy replacing you, you know!

Phillip: I hate to interrupt, but should we get back to the movie?

Isla the Director: Go right ahead.

Phillip: (to Mad Hatter) Then I'm here till I die?

Mad Hatter: (working away) Till they kill you. Yeah. Hehehe.

Phillip: Then why bother curing me? And why are you giggling like that?

Mad Hatter: I always giggle! Ah-hum. Kuzco and Hook always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken.

Philip: Wait… you mean it's going to be torture? Isla! You didn't tell me about this!

Mad Hatter: I'll tell you one thing, sir: You won't cope with this. You survived the Tulgey Wood. You must be very brave...

Kuzco: Or stupid.

Isla: Quiet.

Mad Hatter: ... but nobody withstands The Machine. Hehehe!

Phillip: Gulps

**CUT TO:**

Aurora wanders down a corridor in Florin Castle, looking sad. As she moves unseeing past an intersecting corridor, Kuzco and Hook watch her.

Kuzco: She's been like that ever since the Tulgey Wood... (Looks at Hook) It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her.

Hook: Of course.

Kuzco: And since when I was concern for Jafar?

Isla the Director: Because… he's playing your dad?

Kuzco: That's beside the point.

Jafar: Nobody cares for me at all.

**CUT TO:**

**FLORIN CASTLE AT NIGHT**

We hear Geppetto's voice reading.

Geppetto: The King died that very night, and before the following dawn, Aurora and Kuzco were married.

Disney Characters: GASP!

Aurora: No!

Phillip: What!

Jafar: I died!

Maleficent: Wonderful.

Kuzco: Cool…

**CUT TO:**

**MAIN SQUARE OF FLORIN CASTLE**

And if we thought it was packed before, we didn't know how many more could fit in this courtyard. Kuzco, Hook and Maleficent stand high on the balcony.

Kuzco: Jafar's, I mean… My _father's_ (he shudders at the word "father) final words were...

Jafar: (off-screen) Give me the magic lamp!

Disney Characters: Huh?

Kuzco: His FINAL words were –

Pinocchio: (off-screen) -- hold it! Hold it! Stop!

**CUT TO:**

**PINNY'S ROOM**

Pinocchio: You read that wrong! Aurora doesn't marry Kuzco, she marries Phillip!

Aurora: I'm glad at least someone agrees with me.

Pinocchio: Thank you. I'm just sure of it. After all that Phillip did for her, if she does not marry him, it wouldn't be fair.

Geppetto: Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair.

Pinocchio: I… You are right about that. I mean look at me! I finally changed into a real boy in my movie, but now I'm a puppet again! But I'm telling you you're messing up the story, now get it right!

Geppetto: So you are enjoying this story. Shall I go on with this?

Pinocchio: Yes!

Geppetto: All right, then. No more interruptions. (Starts to read again) ... at noon, she met her subjects again. This time as their Queen.

**CUT TO:**

Kuzco: The next person who interrupts me shall … Ahem… My father's final words were, "Love her as I loved her, and there will be joy." I present to you your Queen. Queen… Aurora!

**CUT TO:**

The archway we saw before, as Aurora emerges. The crowd suddenly goes to their knees, wave after wave of silent kneeling people.

Then someone is booing! It gets louder as the Witch from Snow White approaches Aurora through the crowd, booing every step of the way.

Aurora: No, not you. Why do you do this?

Witch: Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up!

Hades: (off-screen) Whoa, whoa, time out! Why are you supporting something good? We bad guys never support the opposite of Evil.

Witch: Because Isla said she would buy me another Magic Mirror to replace my old one.

Hades: Huh, figures.

Aurora: (starts her line) But they would have killed Phillip if I hadn't done it!

Witch: Your true love lives and you marry another! (To the crowd) True love saved her in the Tulgey Wood, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the Queen of Refuse! So, bow down to her if you want. Bow to her! Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence! I love this role. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo!

Aurora: No… No!

The Witch advances on Aurora now, who is frightened. Louder and louder and LOUDER she shrieks vituperation at Aurora, and suddenly,

**CUT TO:**

Aurora coming out of her nightmare, alone in her bedroom. She frantically grabs a robe and starts to run.

Geppetto: (off-screen) (still reading) It was ten days till the wedding. The King still lived, but Aurora's nightmares were growing steadily worse.

Jafar: Yes! Still alive!

Aurora: Thank goodness, I was only having a dream.

Pinocchio: (off-screen) See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Kuzco?

Geppetto: (off-screen) Yes, you're very smart. Shut-Up.

Aurora burst into Kuzco's chambers. Captain Hook stands nearby.

Aurora: It comes to this: I love Phillip. I always have. I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning.

Kuzco and Hook looked stunned. Finally, softly, the Emperor begins to talk.

Kuzco: Wow… I could never cause you grief; consider our wedding off.

Hook: What? That's it! You don't feel disappointed at all? What kind of villain are you playing here! (Everyone stares at him) What?)

Kuzco: You returned this "Phillip" to his ship?

Hook: Yes.

Kuzco: Then we let's get him back. (to Aurora) Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the Tulgey Wood. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their words.

Jack Sparrow: Quite a compliment you have there, mate! Isla, where's me rum?

Isla the Director: I'm not your slave!

Aurora: My Phillip will always come for me.

Phillip: (off-screen) You better believe it, Kuzco.

Kuzco: Hmm … Okay. How's this? You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships. One in each direction. The Dread Pirate Jack Sparrow is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Phillip wants you, bless you both. If not ... please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?

Aurora: No…

Kuzco: Thank you!

**CUT TO:**

A very thick grove of trees. They are unusual in one respect: all of them are extraordinarily heavily knotted. Kuzco and Hook are walking into the grove of trees.

Hook: Why are we always together?

Kuzco: I… have no idea.

Hook: You know… your princess is really a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable.

Aurora: (blushes) Why, thank you.

Kuzco: Oh, I know. The people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Gaston to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night.

Disney Characters: GASP!

Aladdin: So you do not love her at all! You just want to murder her! You two-faced llama! Let me at him!

Isla: He's not your target, Aladdin. (Aladdin looks disappointed)

Hercules: (to Gaston) Is this true?

Gaston: Yeah, it's true. He paid me in advance.

Kuzco: Ooh-hoo, I love playing the bad guy. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war.

Hook: (smiles) You are really are despicable… for a llama. (searches around) Now, where is that secret knot?

Finding the knot on the tree he hits it, and it opens, revealing a staircase leading underground.

Hook: Are you coming down into the Pit? Phillip's got his strength back. I am starting him on The Machine tonight.

Kuzco: Hook, my old buddy; you know how much I love watching you work and torturing the poor guy. But, I've got my country's five hundredth anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it… I'm booked.

Hook: Groans… Very well, get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything.

Hook hurries down the stairs as the tree slides back perfectly into place.

**CUT TO:**

The Machine! It looks big, it looks scary, it is… I can't tell quite what it is or what it does, but somehow it is unsettling.

We pull back to reveal Captain Hook, dragging Phillip up alongside the thing -- Levers and wheels and wires, you name it, it's there. The Mad Hatter starts attaching suction cups to Phillip.

Mad Hatter: I'm so excited! Hehehe!

Phillip: Why do I feel like I'm in a Frankenstein movie?

Hook: (looks at the Machine) Beautiful, isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. (Chuckles darkly) At present I'm writing the definitive work on the subject. So I want you to be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes you feel.

He points to a dial with numbers ranging from a low of "l" to a high of "50." Hook goes to it.

Hook: This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting.

And he turns the dial to "1".

**CUT TO:**

Phillip with suction cups on his head now, on his temple, on his heart, his hands and feet. He says nothing, keeps control of himself

**CUT TO:**

Hook fiddling with his Machine a moment more. And then he opens the flood gate, water pours down the chute, turning the wheel, which in turn really gets The Machine going.

**CUT TO:**

Phillip lying on the table, and he's only flesh and the chains are metal and thick, but such is his desperation it almost seems he might break them. A terrible sound comes from his throat, an incessant gasping.

Hook: (laughing maniacally) Hahahahahaha! Feel the Pain of Torture! Hahahahah!

Mad Hatter: (says nothing)

Hook: (glares at him) Laugh, you fool.

Mad Hatter: (laughs nervously)

It keeps on coming as finally Hook switches off The Machine, picks up a large notebook and pen, sits in a chair. The noise of The Machine subsides. Hook opens the book to a blank page.

Hook: As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Well, really, that's all this is. Except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest -- how do you feel?

Phillip: (helpless, teary-eyed, he cries) Help me…

Hook: Interesting. Not so noble and brave now, huh?

**CUT TO:**

Kuzco in his quarters. Piles of papers are strewn all over. Now Shan-Yu, a pale, squint-eyed man appears in the doorway.

Kuzco: Shan-Yu baby! How you doin', old buddy?

Shan-Yu: (growls) I can't believe I'm working for him. Bow to me, you fools! Bow to me!

Kuzco: Shut up and bow.

Shan-Yu: Yes, sir. (Bows, then kneels)

Kuzco: Ooh, I love being an emperor. As Chief Enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.

Shan-Yu: My spy network has heard no such news.

Aurora: (enters) Any word from Phillip?

Kuzco: Too soon, my sugar-coated angel. Have patience.

Aurora: He will come for me.

Kuzco: Yeah, yeah, whatever. (After she glides out) She will not be murdered. On the day of the wedding, I want the Forty Thieves' Forest emptied and every inhabitant arrested.

Shan-Yu: Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate. Hold on, my Huns are the most powerful warriors in China!

Mulan: Tell that to the avalanche. (1)

Kuzco: Form a Hun Squad then. I want the Forty Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed.

Shan-Yu: It won't be easy, Sire.

Kuzco: Try ruling the world sometime.

Shan-Yu: I'll make a note on it.

**CUT TO:**

In the Forty Thieves' Forest, a lot of hollering is going on. The thieves are being rounded up by the Hun Squad. Shan-Yu stands on a wagon in the midst of all the scuffling.

Geppetto: (off-screen) The day of the wedding arrived. The Brute Squad had their hands full carrying out Kuzco's orders.

Shan-Yu: (to Kronk) Is everybody out?

Kronk: Um, not really. There's a skinny Arabian giving us some trouble.

Shan-Yu: Well, you give him some trouble. Move!

We cut to Aladdin, drunk as a skunk, sprawled in front of a hovel, a bottle of rum in one hand, his sword in the other. He looks dreadful.

Aladdin: Isla, you told me the bottle is full of water! (Hic)

Isla: I lied. Now get back to being drunk.

Aladdin: I am waiting for you, Gaston! You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved!

He takes a long pull from the rum bottle.

Jack Sparrow: Nooo! Me rum! (Cries) Why is the rum gone!

Kronk comes into view.

Kronk: Yo! Ho there!

Aladdin: What (hic) did you just call me? I do not budge. Keep your "Ho there."

He waves his sword dangerously

Kronk: Um, sorry, but the Prince gave orders --

Aladdin: So did Gaston-- when a job went wrong, you went back to the beginning. And this is where we got the job. So it's the beginning, and I'm staying till Gaston comes.

Hercules: But he's dead!

Gaston: I'm not dead!

Kronk: (gesturing off-screen) You! Come here.

Aladdin: I -- am -- waiting -- for -- Gaston --

Hercules: You surely are drunk.

Aladdin looks up to see Hercules standing over him.

Hercules: Hello.

Aladdin: It's you.

Hercules: True!

Gaston: NO MORE RHYMES! It's driving me crazy!

And as the Kronk is just about to club Aladdin's brains out, Hercules lets fly with a stupendous punch. Kronk takes the full force of the blow right in the chops. It's like he was shot from a cannon as he careens backwards out of sight across the street.

Hercules: (calls after him) Sorry! (He gets Aladdin on his feet) Al, you don't look so good. You don't smell so good either.

Aladdin: I feel fine. Really! (Then he faints)

Hercules: Oh dear.

**CUT TO:**

Inside an empty alehouse in the Forty quarter, Aladdin sits slumped in a chair, while Hercules spoons him some stew.

Geppetto: (off-screen) Hercules and Aladdin were reunited. And as Hercules nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Aladdin of Gaston's death and the existence of Captain Hook, the hook-handed man. Considering Aladdin's lifelong search, he handled the news surprisingly well.

And Aladdin faints again into his stew.

Hercules: … And I just cooked it.

**CUT TO:**

Two large tubs; one filled with steaming water, the other with water clearly of an icy nature. Without a word, Hercules dunks Aladdin's head into the icy water, then, after a reasonable amount of time, pulls him out, ducks him into the steaming stuff, and, a short time after that, puts him back in the cold water again, then back in the hot water.

Aladdin: (gurgling) Hey, stop! STOP!

Geppetto: (off-screen) Hercules took great care in reviving Aladdin.

Aladdin: (up and going) That's enough. That's enough! Stop it! Stop it!Where is this Hook so I may kill him?

Hercules: He's with the Emperor in the Castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men. And one Hydra.

Aladdin: How many could you handle?

Hercules: Including the multi-headed hydra? I don't think more than ten.

Aladdin: (doing the math on his fingers) That leaves twenty for me. At my best, I could never defeat that many. I need Gaston to plan. I have no gift for strategy.

Hercules: But Gaston's dead!

Gaston: I am not dead!

Aladdin: (a wild look hits him) No, not Gaston. I need the Man in Black.

Gaston: (outraged) Him?

Hercules: What?

Aladdin: Look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Gaston, and a man who can do that can plan my castle's onslaught any day. Let's go!

Hercules: Where?

Aladdin: Back to the Future! (2)

Hercules: Huh?

Aladdin: Just kidding. We have to find the Man in Black, obviously.

Hercules: But you don't know where he is.

Aladdin: Don't bother me with trifles; after twenty years, at last, my father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight!

Hercules: (muttering to himself) He's gone insane.

**CUT TO:**

Emperor Kuzco's chamber, strewn with maps, etc. Shan-Yu enters, and kneels.

Kuzco: (sharpening his dagger) Rise and report, my guinea pig.

Shan-Yu: Call me a guinea pig, you'll die like one. The Forty Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men and one Hydra guard the castle gate.

Kuzco: Double it. Include the hyenas if you must. My princess must be safe.

Shan-Yu: The gate has but one key, and I carry that.

He shows the key, dangling from a chain around his neck. Just at that moment, Aurora enters.

Kuzco: Ah, My dulcet darling! Tonight we marry. Tomorrow morning, your men will escort us to Florin Channel where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.

Aurora: (quietly) Every ship but your four fastest, you mean.

He looks at her blankly for a moment.

Aurora: Every ship but the four you sent.

Kuzco: Yes! Yes, of course. Naturally, not those four.

Shan-Yu: (bows, exits) Your Majesties.

Aurora: (staring at Kuzco) You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. It doesn't matter. Phillip will come for me anyway.

Kuzco: It's always Phillip! You're a silly girl.

Aurora: Yes, I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you were nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.

Kuzco: You… (close to erupting; speaks very distinctly) I-would-not-say-such things-if-I- were-you-

Aurora: (Passionately) Why not? You can't hurt me. Phillip and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that. Not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it. Not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth.

Kuzco: (blinks a few times, then frowns) Okay, this has gone too far.

He jumps at her, yanking her by the arm. He starts to pull her along down a corridor, out of control, his words indistinct.

Kuzco: I WOULD NOT SAY SUCH THINGS IF I WERE YOU!

He throws open the door to Aurora's room, slams it shut, locks it, breaks into a wild run and --

**CUT TO:**

Phillip in the Machine, but it's not on. Captain Hook is adding more notes to his book while the Mad Hatter is having tea by himself. They look up as Kuzco suddenly comes down the steps, raging.

Kuzco: (at Phillip) You know, you guys truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no fella in a century will suffer as greatly as you will.

And with that he whirls, turns on The Machine, grabs the lever and pulls it up to "50".

Hook: Not to fifty! Oh, well…

**CUT TO:**

Phillip has never had such pain. The pain grows and grows and with it, he lets out a blood-curdling scream, so loud, thunderous, and rising.

The sound moves along, LOUDER AND LOUDER, and --

**CUT TO:**

Aladdin and Hercules are trying to make their way through the jammed marketplace, which suddenly quiets as the fading sound comes through.

Aladdin: Herc, listen, do you hear? -- That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Hook slaughtered my father. The Man in Black makes it now.

Hercules: The Man in Black?

Aladdin: Yes. His true love is marrying another tonight, so who else has cause for ultimate suffering? (trying to push through) Excuse me -- pardon me, it's important --

No one budges and the sound is fading faster.

Aladdin: Herc, please --

Hercules: EVERYBODY ... MOVE!

And the crowd begins to fall away, and he and Aladdin start to track the fading scream

Aladdin: Thank you.

**CUT TO:**

The grove of trees near the Pit of Doom. The Mad Hatter appears wheeling a barrow. He is happily humming the Unbirthday Song when a sword touches his chest.

Aladdin: Where is the Man in Black?

Mad Hatter: I'm not telling.

Aladdin: Hercules, jog his memory.

And Herc crunches the Mad Hatter on the top of the head as if he had a hammer and was driving in a nail. The Mad Hatter drops without a sound.

Hercules: I'm sorry, Al. I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Aladdin? Aladdin, what are you doing?

**CUT TO:**

Aladdin kneeling, the sword held tight between his hands. Eyes closed, he faces the grove of trees, starts to talk, and his voice low and strange.

Aladdin: Father, I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can end. Somewhere ... somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I cannot find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please.

And now he rises, eyes still closed.

Aladdin: Guide my sword.

Aladdin, eyes shut tight, walks forward, the great sword held in his hands. Hercules, frightened, follows close behind.

Aladdin walks blindly through the grove of trees. He moves to the secret knot, hesitates, and then moves past it. Then he stops. For a long moment he stands frozen. Suddenly he whirls, eyes still closed, and the sword strikes home dead center into a knot and --

Nothing. He has failed.

Aladdin: No…

In utter despair he collapses against the tree. Against a knot in the tree. It slides away, revealing the staircase. He and Hercules look at each other, and then start down.

**CUT TO:**

Phillip is lying by The Machine, both his eyes were closed. Herc leans over him, listening for a heartbeat. Then he looks at Aladdin, shakes his head.

Hercules: He's dead.

----------------------------------------------------------

(1) – If you seen Mulan, then you would remember that almost all of the Huns were killed in an avalanche.

(2)– A line from "Back To the Future".

Up next, the appearance of Miracle Max!

**Review, no flames, and you'll get free cookies!**


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own Disney, and "The Princess Bride".

Note: Sorry it took so long to update, folks.

**Chapter V**

Pinocchio (terribly horrified): Grandpa, Grandpa, wait! W-what did Hercules mean, "He's dead?" I mean he didn't mean _dead_.

Hercules: (off-screen) He is dead, I examined him. I'm sorry.

Disney Toons: NOOOOOO!!!!!!

Disney Villains: (cheering) YESSSSS!!!!

Pinocchio: Phillip is faking it, right?

Geppetto: You want me to read this or not?

Pinocchio: Who gets Kuzco?

Geppetto: I don't understand.

Aladdin: I'll get him!! I'll get that two-faced son-of-a—

Isla the Director: Sorry, Al, but you can't. You only get Hook because he killed your father. Not that he really did, but just try to imagine him doing it.

Aladdin: (after a moment of silence) I'm going to kill Hook.

Pinocchio: Who kills Emperor Kuzco at the end? Somebody's got to do it! Is it Aladdin? Who? Tell me!

Geppetto: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.

Pinocchio: You mean he wins? What in the name Disney's mustache did you read me this thing for?

Geppetto suddenly looks serious.

Geppetto: You know, you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we better stop now.

He starts to get up when Pinocchio began shaking his wooden head and gesturing the old man toward the chair.

Pinocchio: No! I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down, all right?

Geppetto: (smiles) Okay. (sitting and opening the book again) All right, now, let's see. Where were we? Oh yes. In the Pit of Doom…

**CUT TO:**

Back in the Pit, Aladdin and Hercules both look devastated. For a moment, the young Arabian just sags.

Aladdin: Well, I have never taken defeat easily. Come along, Herc. Bring the body.

Hercules: The body??? We're going to bury him?

Aladdin: Of course not, have you any money?

Hercules: I have… a little. Why?

Aladdin: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.

Frollo: You can't buy miracles, you fool!!

Isla the Director: (starts to sings) _There can be miracles, when you believe—_

**Ker-RACK!!**

Suddenly, a bottle of rum shatters at the back of her head, and Isla pitches forward unconscious. Jack Sparrow looks mournfully at the broken in his hand.

Jack Sparrow: Why is the rum always gone?

He shrugs a bit, and then pushes the knocked-out Isla of her seat and occupies the vacant chair as the new director.

Jack Sparrow: Since Miss Director won't be joining us anymore for a while; I think I should be your new director for the rest of the movie. If we want to keep this film going, I suggest we get along or I'll send you to Davy Jones' locker. And I want someone to bring me new bottle of rum. Savvy?

Mushu: He's even worse that Isla.

Jack Sparrow: Less talk, more action!

Hercules takes the corpse and follows Aladdin up the stairs. The scene moves to an old cottage, near dusk. Aladdin and Hercules, with Phillip on his shoulder, approach the door. They knock. From inside the cottage a familiar voice is heard.

Voice: (off-screen) Go away!

Aladdin: We know you are in there, open up. (pounds again)

A small window in the door slid open, and Merlin's face appears. He looks at them grumpily and he isn't wearing his pointy hat.

Merlin: What? What?

Aladdin: Are you the Miracle Merlin who worked for the king all those years?

Merlin: Jafar's stinking son fired me because I transformed him a llama. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed!

He shuts the window. They rap on the door.

Merlin: (opening the window) Beat it or I'll call the Hun Squad.

Hercules: I'm on the Hun Squad.

Merlin: (looking at Herc) Judging by your appearance, I think you_ are_ the Hun Squad.

Aladdin: We need a miracle. It's very important.

Merlin: Look, I'm retired and a bumbling old goat. And besides, why would you want someone Jafar's stinking llama son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.

Aladdin: He's… already dead.

Merlin: (for the first time, interested) He is, eh? I'll take a look. Bring him in.

He unlocks the door and lets them in. Aladdin and Hercules hurry inside. Herc carries Phillip who is just starting to stiffen up a little. He lays Phillip down across a bench by the fireplace. Merlin picks Phillip's arm up and lets it drop limp.

Merlin: I've seen worse.

He studies Phillip a moment, checking here, checking there.

Aladdin: Sir…

Merlin: My name is Merlin, and I prefer to be called by that name.

Aladdin: Um, Merlin…

Merlin: Hah?

Aladdin: We're really in a terrible rush.

Merlin: Don't rush me, young man. You rush a miracle wizard, you get rotten miracles. You got money?

Aladdin: Two bucks.

Merlin: Oh come on, I don't run a candy shop here. Sheesh! I never worked for so little, except once, and that was a very noble cause. And I won't even tell you what it is.

Aladdin: This is a noble cause, sir! (pointing to Phillip) His wife is crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation.

Merlin: I'm afriad you are a rotten liar.

Aladdin: I'm not a rotten liar! Okay fine, maybe I did lie… But I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.

Merlin: Your first story was better. (looking around) Where's that bellows? (spots it)

He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him.

He goes to get a huge bellows.

Aladdin: He's dead! He can't talk.

Merlin: Impudent piece of crockery. Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth.

Hercules does. Merlin inserts the bellows in Phillip's mouth and starts to pump.

Merlin: Now, _mostly dead_ is slightly alive. Now, _all dead_...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do.

Aladdin and Hercules: (in unison) What's that?

Merlin: Strip him down, burn the corpse, go through his clothes and look for loose change.

Hercules: You mean…

Merlin: For goodness sakes, don't take too seriously!

Merlin stops pumping and he puts the bellows away. He bends down next to Phillip.

Merlin: Hey! Hello in there. Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for?

And he presses lightly on Phillip's chest.

Phillip: (faintly) ... tr ... oooo ... luv...

Everybody stares at amazement at Phillip lying there on the bench.

Aladdin: True love! You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.

Merlin: My boy, true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice cup of chocolate milk, where the cocoa is nice and warm and with marshmallows on top. (smacks his lips) They're so perky, I love that...

Jack Sparrow: Sounds nice, I prefer rum.

Merlin: ... But that's not what he said. He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff." So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated --

Another familiar voice: Liar! LIAR!

Madame Mim storms out of a back room and walks toward Merlin angrily. Merlin, disgusted by her appearance, backs away.

Merlin: GET BACK, WITCH! …. Literally speaking.

Mim: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife!!! … Figuratively speaking. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.

Merlin: We were never married! You never had it so good.

Mim: "True love." He said, "True love," Merlin!

Merlin: Don't say another word, Mim. Or I'll give you malignalitaloptereosis again and you won't get out of bed until Disney comes back!

Mim: You wouldn't dare!

Merlin: I will, so help me I will!

Hercules: Is this the same Merlin who said love is the most powerful force in the world?

Mim: (turning to Al and Herc) He's afraid! Ever since Kuzco fired him, his confidence is shattered.

Merlin: Oh, hang it all! Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!!

Mim: What, Kuzco?

Merlin: No!

Mim: Kuzco! Kuzco!

Mim keeps on repeating the infamous name while Merlin holds his hands over his ears.

Merlin: I'm not listening!

Mim: Yes you are, you old goat! A life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help --

Merlin: Nobody's hearing nothing!

Mim: Kuzco! Kuzco! Kuzco!

Aladdin: Phillip is Aurora's true love. If you heal him, he will stop Kuzco's wedding.

Merlin: (to Mim) Shut up -- (now to Al) Wait. Wait. I make him better, Kuzco suffers?

Aladdin: Humiliations galore!

Merlin pauses a bit and he began to chuckle.

Merlin: That is a noble cause! Give me the two bucks, I'm on the job.

Merlin grabs his trademark hat and puts it on. Mim shrieks excitedly.

A few minutes later, both Merlin and Mim, exhausted, are looking at a small round lump, as Mim, cooking utensil in hand, covers the thing with what looks like chocolate. Aladdin and Hercules stare at the thing too.

Aladdin: THAT'S the miracle pill?

(Merlin nods)

Mim: (finishing) The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And he shouldn't go swimming after, for at least, what?

Merlin: An hour.

Mim: Yeah, an hour.

Merlin: A good hour. Yeah.

Aladdin accepts the pill as Hercules takes Phillip, who is stiff as a board now. Aladdin heads out the door with Herc behind him.

Aladdin: Thank you for everything.

Mim: (waving after them) Bye-bye, boys!

Merlin: Have fun storming the castle!

Mim: (to Merlin) Think it'll work?

Merlin: It would take a miracle. Bye!

Mim: Bye.

**CUT TO:**

Hercules, Aladdin, and Phillip on the top of the outer wall of the castle. They look down to the front gate of the castle. The sixty men (the Huns), several hyenas, and the Hydra are visible. Hercules is thunderstruck by how many Huns there are. Upset, he turns to Aladdin, who is concentrating unsuccessfully, trying to prop Phillip against the wall.

Hercules: Aladdin, there's more than thirty. They even include the hyenas.

Aladdin: What's the difference? (indicating the half-dead Phillip) We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to force feed him.

Hercules: Has it been fifteen minutes?

Aladdin: I don't have a watch and we can't wait; the wedding's in half an hour and we must strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand.

During this, Hercules, using all his strength, has managed to get Phillip into a right angled sitting position, while Aladdin brings out the miracle pill.

Aladdin: Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.

Hercules: (following orders) How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works?

Aladdin drops the pill into Phillip's mouth.

Aladdin: Your guess is as good as mine.

Phillip: (suddenly awake) I'll beat you both apart! I'll take you both together!

Hercules: Guess not very long. It's a miracle! He's alive!

Phillip sits there, immobile, like a ventriloquist's dummy.

Phillip: Why won't my arms move?

Hercules: You've been mostly dead all day.

Phillip: What?

Aladdin: We had Miracle Merlin make a pill to bring you back.

Phillip: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Aurora?!

Aladdin: Let me explain… No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Aurora is marrying Kuzco in a little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Princess, make our escape… after I kill Captain Hook.

Phillip: That doesn't leave much time for dilly dallying.

He is watching his fingers, one of which twitches now.

Hercules: You've just wiggled your finger. That's wonderful.

Phillip: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?

Aladdin: There is but one working at the castle gate.

Hercules helps Aladdin raise Phillip just high enough so he can see for himself.

Aladdin: And it is guarded by sixty Huns, several hyenas, and one Hydra.

Phillip: And our assets?

Aladdin: Your brains, Hercules's strength, my steel.

Phillip: That's it? Impossible! If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something. But this...

He shakes his head from side to side.

Hercules: You just shook your head -- that doesn't make you happy?

Phillip: My brains, his steel, and your strength against sixty men and two monsters, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow that would be something.

Aladdin: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the Mad Hatter had?

Hercules: Over the Mad Hatter, I think.

Mad Hatter: (groans off-screen) Owww…

Phillip: Well, why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place? What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.

Aladdin: There we cannot help you.

Hercules suddenly pulls one out like a magician.

Hercules: Will this do?

Aladdin: What the Disney mustache?! Where did you get that?

Merlin: At Miracle Merlin's. It fit so nice; he said I could keep it.

Aladdin: That sounds a bit random.

Phillip: All right, all right. Come on, help me up. (They do) Now, I'll need a sword eventually.

Aladdin: Why? You can't even lift one.

Phillip: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? (And his head tilts limply back. Herc sets it up right for him) Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside.

Aladdin: I'll say. How do I find the Hook? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do we escape?

Hercules: (sharply) Don't pester him, he's had a hard day.

Aladdin: Right, right, sorry.

Hercules: Aladdin.

Aladdin: What?

Hercules: I hope we win...

Jack Sparrow: And now, on to the next scene! But first, let me share a tender moment with my darling rum.

With a cheerful smile, he holds a new bottle to his face and rubs like he would do to a purring cat.

Ariel: He's scaring me.

Yen Sid: Let's hope Isla regains her consciousness.

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**Review please! No flames!**


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